I write now because I am tired but want to feel like I am doing something of value. I am doing this to make myself feel that I’m ‘not wasting myself’ in doing nothing. I am tired because of the continuous failures I’m having at trying to get the code for my homework right.
I do not want to feel incapable and in moments of failure I want to make a desperate sense of the same. I will be persisting in my folly if I continue to write. Would I rather close my eyes and allow the unease to be for as long as it wishes? Maybe then I can go back to my homework and finish it. I am not the guy that can say to himself, “I will not quit, no matter what”. That sort of volition, I have not seen a lot in myself.
I begin to feel a sense of triumph as I finish this written piece. A triumph that I’ve somehow churned out an insight out of this little misery. Triumph has replaced the unease that was here mere seconds ago.
But what will come next?
And why this urge for abstraction?